While I'm Here

I thought I'd take a moment to reflect on some of the positive points about the waiting room, detailing what I'm most enjoying about this time of rest.

1. Naps (pretty much daily)

2. Not much energy to work out (thank you for the break, hormones :))

3. Cravings without guilt--particularly for chocolate shakes (Tim reminds me I'm not pregnant yet, but I've decided I'll just have an 11-month pregnancy)

4. Reading, reading, reading (currently: Shopaholics series for fun reading; about to start a new memoir for book club: open to suggestions; recent short story: "Hills Like White Elephants" by Hemingway (still attempting to uncover the many layers); also LOVED The Millionaire Next Door for nonfiction financial advice)

5. Writing: I'm taking an incredible Memoir writing class through UH's InPrint and I'm attempting to write about my own journey daily

6. Berry-picking with a dear friend: Yes, I am truly a farm-girl at heart.  I've brought home a mound of blackberries and blueberries so far

7. Watching movies/hangin' with bff Sarah

8. Hanging with my family--thanks Lindsay for keeping me company (and driving me to the Galleria so I wouldn't go stir-crazy) after my surgery; I love you too, Mom, Katie, & Cody ;)

9. Sleeping in (I thought it appropriate to begin and end my list with my favorite activity and the one that I will most miss when baby is finally here :))

Two more weeks

After the hysteroscopy the doctor told us that fertility treatment would be pushed back two more weeks.  Two more weeks isn't that long.  It's the time period of Christmas break, the time period between May day and Mother's Day, the time period until one of my bffs from Canada comes to visit.  It's not that long.  

But for some reason, when you're already in the waiting room, two weeks feels like a set-back.  Imagine waiting a couple of hours for a doctor to see you and then being told only another forty-five minutes.  When daily life of job and errands and family calls, another forty-five minutes might feel like an eternity.  Thus it is with fertility treatment.  At any point, we might encounter such a set-back.  If my next hysteroscopy goes wrong, if I don't respond properly to the hormones, if the doctor finds something (who knows what else is left to find?) unexpected.

This is why I must take each day, each appointment, each procedure as it comes, attempting to live my everyday, beautiful life in the meantime.

Baby Blocker

Last Thursday, I underwent a hysteroscopy, and the doctor found a bit more than he expected during the procedure. In layman's terms--the only way I understand it--is that the doctor found scar tissue (a septum) running along the top of my uterus, preventing implantation anywhere the scar tissue touched. I consider this good news because I feel that I have another problem checked off my list. In a couple of weeks, my doctor wants to perform another hysteroscopy to ensure it hasn't returned, but he said he is 99.9% certain that it is gone for good.

I wasn't in much pain after the procedure, but the general anesthesia did exhaust me and cause me some stomach issues, though the drugs were wonderful in the moment! I found myself frustrated that I couldn't get up and live my life the day after the surgery, but Tim and my mom encouraged me to rest as long as my body demanded.

Although the experience was by no means fun, I did have a couple of humorous moments after coming out of the anesthesia. The most memorable was minutes after I awoke as the doctor explained details of the procedure and began answering questions about resuming normal activity. In my medicated state, I asked when Tim and I could resume the baby-making. The doctor smiled and asked, "How long would you like?" My answer: "I like sex." True and to the point, I suppose. I guess I liked the happy anesthesia as well.

Things I wonder

I wonder . . .

*if our baby will have my green eyes or Tim's brown (Probably brown if we adopt from           Thailand :))

*if the grand total for our babies will cost us more than our first home

*if we will choose a funky name or a traditional one

*whether baby will cry or sleep most of the time

*if we'll someday want a house with a yard instead of a trendy loft like we prefer now

*if I'll become addicted to caffeine for the first 6 months

*if we'll have twins

*if baby Bird will be kinda chubby :) (I kinda hope so)

*if I will ever give birth or if we will just adopt

*if we'll give in and go to Disney before our kids are out of strollers (like we promised one 

another we would never do)

*if our family will look alike--even just the same expressions or smile--no matter how 

many are adopted or biological

*if I'll want to stay home instead of work

*if I still have a long wait ahead of me

Stress levels

As many of you may know, I enjoy planning my life according to my specifications (aka, I'm a control freak).  Although I've often wondered why God would choose to allow the struggle of infertility for someone like me, I am starting to believe that it is precisely because I long to be in control.  Because with infertility, I have NO control.  None. Nada. Zip. Zero.  Sure, I can choose my doctor and I can choose the procedure, but I have no say in the ultimate results. 

On an earlier blog, I wrote that the level of stress during infertility treatments is similar to the level of stress of someone with cancer or another long-term illness.  I've listed some sources for such information below:

 http://www.drmalpani.com/book/chapter32.html

http://www.integris-health.com/INTEGRIS/en-US/Specialties/FertilityInstitute/YourFertilityJourney/Stress.htm

http://infertility.about.com/od/copingwithinfertility/u/copingstress.htm

Many fertility doctor Web sites provide such interesting and useful information.

I have recently come to accept this level of stress as a reality.  I assumed that because I have a wonderful doctor, a supportive family, kind friends, and viable treatment options, I should be able to "just relax" and enjoy the ride.  But instead, my anxiety has only increased as I've walked further into the world of medical technology.  And you know what?  That's okay.  It's normal, and instead of trying to push aside my questions and concerns with a chipper attitude, I am learning to accept and even embrace the fact that I wish I didn't have to do this, that this was never my ideal or even a happy second-choice, that I long for the outcome all the while hoping I might forgo the physical necessities that provide it.  However, I believe and hope that this is God's plan for us, that He is honored as we walk this difficult road, waiting as He controls the outcome for us.

Tonight

Forgive me for not writing for the past week. Although I'm out of school for the summer, my stress has ramped up a bit as we begin to make decisions regarding fertility. Our new doctor has begun scheduling new tests and procedures for the next month, so I'm sure I will learn more fun facts about the crazy world that is my body. :)

I will try to keep the blog updated as we proceed, but I find that often a new step, test, or procedure is an emotional one--more so than I expected. I appreciate all of your prayers for peace, wisdom, and direction as we jump into this summer adventure.

Also, I found another adoption agency, and we are looking at Bulgaria and Armenia through them. Their Web site is located at http://www.hopscotchadoptions.org/pages/armenia.html if you are interested in a sneak peek. Hope to be in touch again soon.

Quick Post

Hello all,

Just wanted to write a quick post letting you know that I received an e-mail from the adoption agency we are most interested in.  We do NOT need to own our residence in order to adopt from Bulgaria.  That was the only known obstacle in our way, so the roads seem clear now to go ahead when we're ready.  Yeah!  Oh--and Tim told me last night that Bulgaria sounds like our best option.  2 yeahs!