Moments with Macie

Life is different now with a baby, kind of like that commercial that claims, "A baby changes everything." She does. And now I realize my own naivity about this parenting-thing.

First of all, Macie changes my schedule and my plan. She doesn't always fit into the nice little time frames I expect. Especially when I change her and then she poops again and then she poops again and then she . . . you get the idea. Or when I go to pick her up to make it to band practice on time and she has baptized herself in a regurgitated milk bath.

Secondly, Macie changes our marriage. Instead of two to consider, there's three and the third doesn't often let us get enough sleep to have a rational discussion. Tim and I are learning to communicate in a whole new way instead of just assuming that the other (him) knows when (I) NEED to sleep in order to maintain sanity. I will say that in 5 weeks we've learned about one another on a whole new level, adoring and caring for our baby together, and we realize how important our "No fighting after 10pm" rule really is.

But now for the third and best way that Macie has changed everything. Last night I cuddled her next to me in bed before handing her off to Tim so I could sleep before the next feeding, and I experienced once again a moment that makes being a mom worth any inconvenience. She didn't do anything profound, just let me hold her and in that holding I experienced the joy of her. Her pink softness. The curve of her cheeks. The way her eyes mirror mine. The scent of baby-ness. The smooth softness of her miniature hands. The warmth of her frame curling close as she fits perfectly against me--just as she did when she lived inside. A lovely peace fills me in such moments of wonder. I look forward to many more.

My Sleeping Beauty

Yes, this is what Macie does most of the time right now--except at 4 am.

Macie after her 10-day Spa Treatment (in the NICU ;))

3-Week Thoughts

Macie is settling nicely into a routine--though I'm told that routines change regularly with little ones. She eats, she enjoys "awake time" and then she sleeps. And then so do mommy and daddy--as much as possible!!!

My mom asked me yesterday if I felt any different emotionally with Macie finally resting on the outside instead of growing on the inside. My response surprised me: my feelings haven't changed much. Of course, now I have a face to put with the name, but I felt the same protective, intense love for her then that I feel now. I considered the reason for this and came to the conclusion that it must be because I feel as if I've had to fight for her, protect her, nurture her since the Day 5 Embryo Transfer. Because this wasn't a normal, "surprise" pregnancy, I saw her grow and change at every juncture. Also, because this wasn't a "normal" pregnancy, I felt the fear of losing her at many junctures as well.

A couple of weeks before I went into labor, I told one of my fellow IVF friends, "I don't feel like this is really going to happen, that I'm really going to get to take my baby home." I knew that this was illogical, but I also knew that the reason for these thoughts was because I had experienced so many baby-disappointments over the past three and a half years. Every time that stick only showed only one line, loss became more and more of a reality.

I know it seems that perhaps I had some kind of sense that I would have problems in delivery or that Macie would end up in NICU, but in actuality, I never considered these possibilities. Several people asked me if labor scared me, and I quickly answered, "No. I had to deal with six weeks of two hysteroscopies, an egg retrieval and an embryo transfer to get her in, so it can't be that bad getting her out." What I didn't expect was for my baby to go into distress, for me to endure a painful C-section (with an epidural that had been inserted 10 hours earlier rather than a fresh spinal and an anesthesiologists who didn't give me the correct, standard pain meds for recovery), to go almost 48 hours without eating more than the "clear liquid diet", to have a false-negative Group B Strep test that would affect my baby, and to not get to see her for 20 hours after surgery. A strange grief accompanies the loss of those first few joyful moments and hours with a baby, especially when those hours are instead filled with uncertainty. (One nurse practicioner who briefed Tim described Macie's potential long-term problems as "paralysis on her left side" and/or mental retardation due to brain trauma.)

Despite all of the hectic drama of the past few weeks (or months), however, I rejoice today that Macie is home and growing strong at 3-weeks old, without any noticeable effects from her birth trauma. It's been a long ride, one that has only just begun, and I can't wait to see where it takes our little family.

Macie Unplugged

This is Macie Grace without all the wires and plugs. I'll be so glad when all the NICU pokes and prods are finished!

Costs

Fertility Costs: $14,000
NICU Costs: $100,000
Macie Grace: Priceless

Pictures coming as soon as I can find a moment when I'm not sleeping or feeding!

Macie Grace is Here and Fighting!!!

Macie Grace arrived at 4:40pm on Friday, April 9 to a very tired mommy. We went to the hospital on Thursday around 5p.m. because my doctor thought I might be in labor even though my cervix only dilated an inch and wanted to observe me for the night. At 2:30am, my water broke and I moved to labor & delivery. I labored for 13 hours, progressing to 7-8cm, before the doctors called it quits and took me into a C-section. By then, I felt sick--throwing up, a blood sugar drop to 58, shaking uncontrollably. I was ready for her to come out in whatever way necessary. Macie weighed a surprising 7lb 6 oz even though she was only at 36 weeks and 6 days.

I wasn't the only one who had a tough day though. Macie contracted Group B Strep during labor and delivery (I had tested negative the week prior) and so began fighting infection within her first moment of life. She is currently in NICU and is progressing rapidly each day, adding new reflexes and proving tests negative. We have a strong woman in the making.

I love to watch her get feisty during bath time (which I got to help with last night) and I love knowing that she likes her head stroked and hates having her feet touched--probably because she's afraid of another heel prick. She rarely opens her eyes right now, although I'm sure we miss some of the action since we can't spend all day in the NICU, but when she opens them, she looks like me! I am sitting next to her "pod" right now, watching her pull at her monitors and rest under the blue lights that help get rid of jaundice. I dread going home without her again but hope that tomorrow will provide an accurate time-table for her recovery (hopefully no more than 10 days). Please pray for her quick and full recovery and for my emotional stability during this time of running back and forth to the hospital while trying to recover from the C-section.