3-Week Thoughts

Macie is settling nicely into a routine--though I'm told that routines change regularly with little ones. She eats, she enjoys "awake time" and then she sleeps. And then so do mommy and daddy--as much as possible!!!

My mom asked me yesterday if I felt any different emotionally with Macie finally resting on the outside instead of growing on the inside. My response surprised me: my feelings haven't changed much. Of course, now I have a face to put with the name, but I felt the same protective, intense love for her then that I feel now. I considered the reason for this and came to the conclusion that it must be because I feel as if I've had to fight for her, protect her, nurture her since the Day 5 Embryo Transfer. Because this wasn't a normal, "surprise" pregnancy, I saw her grow and change at every juncture. Also, because this wasn't a "normal" pregnancy, I felt the fear of losing her at many junctures as well.

A couple of weeks before I went into labor, I told one of my fellow IVF friends, "I don't feel like this is really going to happen, that I'm really going to get to take my baby home." I knew that this was illogical, but I also knew that the reason for these thoughts was because I had experienced so many baby-disappointments over the past three and a half years. Every time that stick only showed only one line, loss became more and more of a reality.

I know it seems that perhaps I had some kind of sense that I would have problems in delivery or that Macie would end up in NICU, but in actuality, I never considered these possibilities. Several people asked me if labor scared me, and I quickly answered, "No. I had to deal with six weeks of two hysteroscopies, an egg retrieval and an embryo transfer to get her in, so it can't be that bad getting her out." What I didn't expect was for my baby to go into distress, for me to endure a painful C-section (with an epidural that had been inserted 10 hours earlier rather than a fresh spinal and an anesthesiologists who didn't give me the correct, standard pain meds for recovery), to go almost 48 hours without eating more than the "clear liquid diet", to have a false-negative Group B Strep test that would affect my baby, and to not get to see her for 20 hours after surgery. A strange grief accompanies the loss of those first few joyful moments and hours with a baby, especially when those hours are instead filled with uncertainty. (One nurse practicioner who briefed Tim described Macie's potential long-term problems as "paralysis on her left side" and/or mental retardation due to brain trauma.)

Despite all of the hectic drama of the past few weeks (or months), however, I rejoice today that Macie is home and growing strong at 3-weeks old, without any noticeable effects from her birth trauma. It's been a long ride, one that has only just begun, and I can't wait to see where it takes our little family.