Costs

Fertility Costs: $14,000
NICU Costs: $100,000
Macie Grace: Priceless

Pictures coming as soon as I can find a moment when I'm not sleeping or feeding!

Macie Grace is Here and Fighting!!!

Macie Grace arrived at 4:40pm on Friday, April 9 to a very tired mommy. We went to the hospital on Thursday around 5p.m. because my doctor thought I might be in labor even though my cervix only dilated an inch and wanted to observe me for the night. At 2:30am, my water broke and I moved to labor & delivery. I labored for 13 hours, progressing to 7-8cm, before the doctors called it quits and took me into a C-section. By then, I felt sick--throwing up, a blood sugar drop to 58, shaking uncontrollably. I was ready for her to come out in whatever way necessary. Macie weighed a surprising 7lb 6 oz even though she was only at 36 weeks and 6 days.

I wasn't the only one who had a tough day though. Macie contracted Group B Strep during labor and delivery (I had tested negative the week prior) and so began fighting infection within her first moment of life. She is currently in NICU and is progressing rapidly each day, adding new reflexes and proving tests negative. We have a strong woman in the making.

I love to watch her get feisty during bath time (which I got to help with last night) and I love knowing that she likes her head stroked and hates having her feet touched--probably because she's afraid of another heel prick. She rarely opens her eyes right now, although I'm sure we miss some of the action since we can't spend all day in the NICU, but when she opens them, she looks like me! I am sitting next to her "pod" right now, watching her pull at her monitors and rest under the blue lights that help get rid of jaundice. I dread going home without her again but hope that tomorrow will provide an accurate time-table for her recovery (hopefully no more than 10 days). Please pray for her quick and full recovery and for my emotional stability during this time of running back and forth to the hospital while trying to recover from the C-section.

Waiting for Macie

My mom says that pregnancy is by nature a temporary condition, and being a postpartum nurse and mother of four, she should know. However, after carrying this child for what feels like the duration of an elephant's gestation (see former posting in which I compare my fertility history to the largest land-dwelling mammal), I don't feel the end in sight. Instead, I feel muscles pulling and shifting every time I move. I feel fatigued after getting dressed and eating breakfast. I feel like if I sneeze, my baby might just fall out--which could be easier than labor. I feel Macie kickbox inside of me. I'd heard that the last month is tough, but now I fully believe it.

I've also heard though, that oftentimes moms miss the jabs and punches and kicks once baby is out in the world. I already fully believe this because no matter how often she stretches and turns, I never tire of watching this alien-like being roll my belly from side to side. Sharing my belly with her is an honor in moments like that.

Last night I dreamed that Macie arrived and a week passed. I went to breast-feed her and she wouldn't eat. I went to change her diaper and realized that in all my humongous baby bag, I didn't have a single diaper. Within moments, she started laughing at me, and within seconds, she turned into a punkish teenager who looked much like one my students (who are not typically punks, I must say). Perhaps life may feel as fast as that someday, but for today, I hope I can enjoy the small moments--even the pulls and tugs and discomforts--before my Macie arrives and turns into a teenager in the blink of an eye.

A Look Inside

Above is a picture of our Macie at 34 weeks, 4 days.  She has her daddy's nose, and I think she has my mouth.  My mom pulled out baby pics of my siblings and weighed in similarly.  I do know this though: I've never seen such a beautiful person in all my life.  I never thought I would think this about a baby--honestly, they usually seem a little funny looking to me (as I'm sure this pic may to you).  But as soon as I saw her, I was enamored.  She's definitely ours.

Ready or Not

I plan to bring home a baby girl, hopefully 7 pounds-ish, in approximately four weeks. Four weeks? Four weeks! This whole IVF & pregnancy ordeal is suddenly becoming so real. (As if poking around my insides and nether-region hadn't already convinced me of the reality.) So now what? I work for three more weeks. I complain (occasionally if Tim's lucky) about my back hurting. I drink Jamba Juice. I watch movies. I go to church stuff. I enjoy numerous baby showers (thanks, gals!). I read another book or two. And then, bam, I'm a mom? Really? Just like that?

After Tim and I visited the doctor today and listened to a rough time-table for Macie's arrival, I asked him, "Are you ready to be a dad in three-and-a-half weeks?" His answer: "I don't know." Well, daddy-to-be, too late now. I know it seems strange that a couple with fertility issues would have this dilemma. If I saw this blog, I would think, "If you're not ready after trying for three years, maybe it's time to put this idea on the back-burner." But whether we had to wait three years or five years or ten years and on and on . . . I think we would still have the same "Oh my gosh, we're actually having a baby" feelings.

That's actually part of the reason years ago I so wanted to have an "oops, we're pregnant" kind of baby-surprise. I wanted to feel that even though I didn't plan or work for a baby, God saw fit to grant one to me because I would be such an awesome mother. When that didn't happen, the doubts about me as that "perfect mother" set in with a vengeance. Maybe I wasn't supposed to be one after all. It seems that's a common feeling among the fertility challenged such as us.

But on this end of fertility treatment and pregnancy, fully knowing that the world is upside down and no list of qualifications or personality-drawbacks seems to determine whether or not one can make a child, I realize that I still have some of the same insecurities that beset me before Macie's creation. This afternoon as I rested (napped) I contemplated the question I asked Tim: Am I ready to be a parent in three-and-a-half weeks? Anxiety waited, ready to pounce on the question, but instead the first thought that came to mind brought comfort. I MUST be ready because she's almost ready to arrive. After all, she is what makes me "mom." I may not feel ready for 2am, 4am, 6am feedings. Or the nasty diapers. Or the crying--and how the heck do I know which cry means what? But someway or another, I trust that the One who put this baby together in the petri-dish (no, not Dr. Gill--who I highly recommend, by the way) and watched her implant on the bottom right side of my uterus (sorry if that's TMI) and then made her heart beat just on time knows exactly the right time for Macie to enter her destiny while mom and dad try to figure out how exactly parenting fits into our own.

My Reason to Relax

Last Monday, Macie and I had an adventurous day. I arrived at my doctor's office after a stressful day at work, rushing to get there on time, and the nurse found my blood pressure a bit higher than normal. I also had to discuss the fact that I'd spotted slightly that day, and between the two issues, they sent me directly to the hospital for observation. After a couple of hours, the hospital found all well and sent me home.

A crazy start to a busy week in which I met with 25 students regarding admission into National Honor Society, graded numerous junior research papers, and fielded dozens of questions from students. And now, I rest. Spring Break officially began today, and I've devoted my hours to napping, lunch with my sister, and napping. Although a pile of grading and prep work for my sub looms before me, I've decided to get to it when I get to it. In the meantime, Macie and I will relax in preparation for the big event which could be as soon as 3 weeks away. (I'm in Week 33 right now).

I justify my time of rest and relaxation with the knowledge of the risk of hypertension amongst PCOS gals. So far, I've dodged the increased risk of gestational diabetes. Now, I attempt to keep my blood pressure as normal as possible by enjoying Spring Break. Nice excuse, huh?

Fluffing my Feathers

I believe I am now in the stage known as nesting. Unfortunately, as I told Tim last night, my nesting has nothing to do with furiously (or even non-furiously) cleaning the house. Obviously. And it has nothing to do with making sure my daughter has a place to sleep--still no crib. However, I did just spend the last few minutes cleaning my school desk, discussing missing work with students, and contemplating the best timing to take all their artwork/writing samples off the wall. I've arranged for a sub to take my advisory, and I'm anxiously hoping to meet final candidates for my sub position. And yes, I still have until April 9 to teach. What is this strange urge to get everything ready and in place right NOW???!!!

I also found myself unable to sleep earlier this week as I thought about the mound of grading from junior research to sophomore projects. I'm definitely concerned that Macie will make her appearance before my professional life is in order. Tomorrow marks Week 32, and although we'd prefer she stayed inside at least four more weeks, I'm happy to know that she would most likely be ready enough for the outside-world, even though mommy may not be quite ready yet. As of tomorrow: 8 months and counting.