Macie after her 10-day Spa Treatment (in the NICU ;))

3-Week Thoughts

Macie is settling nicely into a routine--though I'm told that routines change regularly with little ones. She eats, she enjoys "awake time" and then she sleeps. And then so do mommy and daddy--as much as possible!!!

My mom asked me yesterday if I felt any different emotionally with Macie finally resting on the outside instead of growing on the inside. My response surprised me: my feelings haven't changed much. Of course, now I have a face to put with the name, but I felt the same protective, intense love for her then that I feel now. I considered the reason for this and came to the conclusion that it must be because I feel as if I've had to fight for her, protect her, nurture her since the Day 5 Embryo Transfer. Because this wasn't a normal, "surprise" pregnancy, I saw her grow and change at every juncture. Also, because this wasn't a "normal" pregnancy, I felt the fear of losing her at many junctures as well.

A couple of weeks before I went into labor, I told one of my fellow IVF friends, "I don't feel like this is really going to happen, that I'm really going to get to take my baby home." I knew that this was illogical, but I also knew that the reason for these thoughts was because I had experienced so many baby-disappointments over the past three and a half years. Every time that stick only showed only one line, loss became more and more of a reality.

I know it seems that perhaps I had some kind of sense that I would have problems in delivery or that Macie would end up in NICU, but in actuality, I never considered these possibilities. Several people asked me if labor scared me, and I quickly answered, "No. I had to deal with six weeks of two hysteroscopies, an egg retrieval and an embryo transfer to get her in, so it can't be that bad getting her out." What I didn't expect was for my baby to go into distress, for me to endure a painful C-section (with an epidural that had been inserted 10 hours earlier rather than a fresh spinal and an anesthesiologists who didn't give me the correct, standard pain meds for recovery), to go almost 48 hours without eating more than the "clear liquid diet", to have a false-negative Group B Strep test that would affect my baby, and to not get to see her for 20 hours after surgery. A strange grief accompanies the loss of those first few joyful moments and hours with a baby, especially when those hours are instead filled with uncertainty. (One nurse practicioner who briefed Tim described Macie's potential long-term problems as "paralysis on her left side" and/or mental retardation due to brain trauma.)

Despite all of the hectic drama of the past few weeks (or months), however, I rejoice today that Macie is home and growing strong at 3-weeks old, without any noticeable effects from her birth trauma. It's been a long ride, one that has only just begun, and I can't wait to see where it takes our little family.

Macie Unplugged

This is Macie Grace without all the wires and plugs. I'll be so glad when all the NICU pokes and prods are finished!

Costs

Fertility Costs: $14,000
NICU Costs: $100,000
Macie Grace: Priceless

Pictures coming as soon as I can find a moment when I'm not sleeping or feeding!

Macie Grace is Here and Fighting!!!

Macie Grace arrived at 4:40pm on Friday, April 9 to a very tired mommy. We went to the hospital on Thursday around 5p.m. because my doctor thought I might be in labor even though my cervix only dilated an inch and wanted to observe me for the night. At 2:30am, my water broke and I moved to labor & delivery. I labored for 13 hours, progressing to 7-8cm, before the doctors called it quits and took me into a C-section. By then, I felt sick--throwing up, a blood sugar drop to 58, shaking uncontrollably. I was ready for her to come out in whatever way necessary. Macie weighed a surprising 7lb 6 oz even though she was only at 36 weeks and 6 days.

I wasn't the only one who had a tough day though. Macie contracted Group B Strep during labor and delivery (I had tested negative the week prior) and so began fighting infection within her first moment of life. She is currently in NICU and is progressing rapidly each day, adding new reflexes and proving tests negative. We have a strong woman in the making.

I love to watch her get feisty during bath time (which I got to help with last night) and I love knowing that she likes her head stroked and hates having her feet touched--probably because she's afraid of another heel prick. She rarely opens her eyes right now, although I'm sure we miss some of the action since we can't spend all day in the NICU, but when she opens them, she looks like me! I am sitting next to her "pod" right now, watching her pull at her monitors and rest under the blue lights that help get rid of jaundice. I dread going home without her again but hope that tomorrow will provide an accurate time-table for her recovery (hopefully no more than 10 days). Please pray for her quick and full recovery and for my emotional stability during this time of running back and forth to the hospital while trying to recover from the C-section.

Waiting for Macie

My mom says that pregnancy is by nature a temporary condition, and being a postpartum nurse and mother of four, she should know. However, after carrying this child for what feels like the duration of an elephant's gestation (see former posting in which I compare my fertility history to the largest land-dwelling mammal), I don't feel the end in sight. Instead, I feel muscles pulling and shifting every time I move. I feel fatigued after getting dressed and eating breakfast. I feel like if I sneeze, my baby might just fall out--which could be easier than labor. I feel Macie kickbox inside of me. I'd heard that the last month is tough, but now I fully believe it.

I've also heard though, that oftentimes moms miss the jabs and punches and kicks once baby is out in the world. I already fully believe this because no matter how often she stretches and turns, I never tire of watching this alien-like being roll my belly from side to side. Sharing my belly with her is an honor in moments like that.

Last night I dreamed that Macie arrived and a week passed. I went to breast-feed her and she wouldn't eat. I went to change her diaper and realized that in all my humongous baby bag, I didn't have a single diaper. Within moments, she started laughing at me, and within seconds, she turned into a punkish teenager who looked much like one my students (who are not typically punks, I must say). Perhaps life may feel as fast as that someday, but for today, I hope I can enjoy the small moments--even the pulls and tugs and discomforts--before my Macie arrives and turns into a teenager in the blink of an eye.